You know, sometimes ... I just sit and think ... think about what's going on in the present ... trying to analyze it .. I try to think back to when it originated ... like ... what was the first thing that could have caused it? ... How did that magnify into this big picture that we see before us? ... You know, we all think differently. ... We've all heard different "facts". ... We've all read different things, seen different things. ... We all grew up differently, our parents raised us differently ... it molds and shapes us into the people we are today. ... That's the same way that it is with any object ... weather it's plastic, metal, paper, wood ... any thing that this object is made out of originated with the Earth. And depending on how it's processed, who gets their hands on it, what they do with it ... everything turns into different objects. ... Or like languages ... they all formed differently. ... Everyone has a different way of translating these crazy thoughts that form in our head into a language that can be understood among ... well, anyone ... people talk to plants, animals, other humans ... and even then, not everyone understands you. ... Plants don't understand you when you say "hey grow!" but if you give them water and put them in the right environment, they understand what they're supposed to do. ... The people in your life, whether you just meet them, or you have known them for a while, they don't always understand what you are trying to say to them.

You know, sometimes I think about the people that others say are "stupid" ... you know ... they probably think just like you do. ... Maybe their mind is faster than their mouth. ... And they can't put everything together right. ... Or maybe they just have a different way of showing it. ... It's just like another language. ... One that they've been around for their life. ... Or the one their interests lie in the most ... Which goes back to everything. ... You know ... everything starts from somewhere. ... Everything happens for a reason. ... And it molds us into the people we are today. ... It also makes each of us unique. ... Not in a "Hey, I'm Barney ... and I just want to say that we are all very special in our own different ways. ... Awwwww" way. ... In a way that goes way beyond that. ... It's a more grown up, mature kind of unique.

We are just all interested in different things. ... Our interests lie differently. ... You know, for example, I'm listening to this song right now. ... Liar Liar by Alexz Johnson. ... In the chorus of the song, she says "tell me you love me like a star." ... Different words in that sentence may strike different interests in different people. ... For some people, it's the word "love". ... There are people who have a strong opinion about the word love. ... It's either a good opinion or a bad opinion, but that's the word that stuck out. ... They could be in love, looking for love, falling out of love, embarrassed by love, hating love, falling in love ... either way ... there is a strong connection at that moment to the word love.

Or maybe for some people, it's the phrase "tell me". ... TELL me this ... TELL me that ... it's an emotional connection to the phrase tell me ... it's a feeling you get when you hear that phrase. ... tell me you want me, tell me something new, tell me ... explain to me ... what you were thinking. ... Please tell me exactly what you would like for me to do. ... These people are just waiting for an instruction. ... What would you like for me to do? ...

For me, it's the word star. ... If someone told me they love me like a star, I'd be in love. ... I'd be fallen head over heels in love ... It would send me over the moon. ... For me, the emotional feeling is at the end of the phrase. ... A star ... to me ... is amazing. ... I've always loved stars. ... I don't know why. ... They're kind of a pointy, vicious shape, but I have always thought they were amazing and beautiful. ... Some people would draw hearts in school, some would draw flames, some would just draw circles, some would draw cartoons ... I'd draw stars. ... I aways wanted a star. ... I thought it would be amazing to just hold one ... or ride on one ... hot, but amazing ... I used to lie on the ground in the compound in Saudi with either Melissa or Elsa ... I can't remember who ... and just look up at the stars. ... They were all so beautiful. .. I had one of those astronomy books, too. ... The ones that showed the formation of the stars ... The big dipper, the little dipper, whatever other dippers they had ... I could never understand it ... it was like a dipper ... or a measuring cup? Cause that's what it looked like to me. ... ANYWAY ... I just have always thought of a star as the one thing that I could never actually touch, or ever get to, but for some strange reason, I found them FASCINATING. ... So, for me ... the word is star. ... Amazing. ... Emotional feeling ... I can connect to that word ... and for someone to say they love me like one ... I would just feel on top of the world. ...

Anyway, let's get back to the stars for a minute. ... I said I used to lie on the ground and watch the sky ... I did it in girl scout camp, too. ... Anyway, I would just sit and think about everything ... Can you imagine if there is life out there? ... I mean ... it's huge. ... The sky ... it goes out there so far ... I mean ... People think driving from League City to Dayton is far ... Look out there. ... Can you imagine traveling out there? ... Can you imagine the fuckin amazing "road" trip you would have? ... I mean ... that's insane! ... If you could go out there and just experience ... It's crazy ... I mean ... honestly ... a long time ago, I wonder if anything ever really thought like we do ... it's just strange ... cause honestly it feels like sometime we're going to find so many new things to make this world so amazing ... that it's just going to get smaller and smaller ... I mean ... we may die ... but everything keeps going. ... It evolves. ... But we keep digging to find new and better stuff to invent and find new and different ways of using the stuff we have already ...

And we get smarter all the time. ... There are different ways of doing things ... that we never could do before. ... We're all trying to put in our own little piece to make the world "better". ... Which is a totally different story that I might talk about later ... BUT ... we are getting smarter. ... We are learning from our (and other peoples') mistakes. ... There is so much going on all the time ... and we are getting far more complex ... and peoples lives are being shown on TV ... so we're all more involved in other peoples lives then ever before. Even down to the things we say ... they can be translated from something you've seen on TV ... things that other people have said ... and even past experiences. ... Soon, we're going to be able to take our thoughts and just blurt out something in some mixture of every language and everyone understands exactly what we are trying to say.

Yeah ... You see ... sometimes I just sit here and start to think about things ... and about how they originated ... and try to put the pieces together ... like a puzzle...

Now, the more interested I am in a subject, the more I can think about it. ... The more research I can do. ... The more I can connect to it. ... If someone came to me with a bottle of alcohol ... (that's a weird example, but I can explain.) ... Now, I can talk about the bottle of alcohol. I can research it ... and figure out everything you want me to know about it ... but I'm not very interested in it. ... What the stuff inside of it does to me? Oh, I can think about that haha ... but that's cause I'm interested in that. ... Just not in the actual alcohol. (I think I just mentioned that one because there is a bottle of root beer next to me, and at first glance, it looks like a beer bottle haha) ... ANYWAY ... but ... if you brought me a phone, or a diamond, or a dress, I could totally talk to you about that for hours. ... I could probably write a 10 page report about it without even doing any research. ... Without even picking it up and holding it (Honestly, if I did either of those things, you could count on 15 or 20 pages haha)

BUT ... it has to be about one particular thing about it for me to have any interest. ... Let's say I was told to talk about a CD. ... I love them. ... They're great, amazing little plastic things. ... And (most of them) have an amazing thing that comes out of them ... Somehow ... but that's not what I'm interested in. ... I'm interested in the music. ... Which instrument is this? What instrument is that? Is this person singing this or is it a strange instrument? What were they thinking when they wrote this song? Played this song? ... How were they feeling? Did they think it would sell this many of these great, amazing little plastic things? What was on their mind? I wish I could just be in their shoes ... feel what they're feeling ... so I can understand everything about why they said that ... wrote that ... played that the way it was played ... I could write pages and pages of each song ... from the singer, to the drummer, to the hot, sexy guy on the guitar ... What would he have to worry about? ... What kind of problems does he have? ... I ask myself a lot of questions ... And I try to find the answers to all of my questions ... and if I don't know them, I make up the answer that makes the most sense to me.

It's crazy how we think ... you know ... I could be thinking about one subject ... and then something ... a word in my thought, a noise in the background, something that you touch ... could distract you and you're off on a tangent that you never even thought about before ... I think that's why it's so hard for me to write anything down. ... I just have so many thoughts ... that I can't keep them still in my head for long enough to get them onto paper (or a computer screen). ... That's why I'm dreading taking English. ... Like seriously ... DREADING it ... cause I think about something, then I start thinking about something else ... and it's like I have ADD or somehting. ... My thoughts jump around like crazy ... and I'll think of something to say and sometimes those thoughts escape, but other times, they just stay cooped up inside.

Especially if I don't know a person. ... I get so shy and don't know what to say cause it's an uncomfortable situation, so I just sit there and start to think about things. ... Think about anything, really, to keep my mind off of the situation. ... That's why when people ask me questions, sometimes I don't know the answer ... if it was an uncomfortable situation, I just clam up and think about anything else except what is going on right now so I don't have to deal with being uncomfortable anymore. ... So, sometimes, that makes me come off as stupid or a ditz ... but really ... I just don't like to be in situations that make me feel like that. ... So I have a lot of time to think ... to myself. ... And actually, I think because of that, I may be a lot smarter than people think. ... Because I would rather just sit and be alone and think about things than go out and start trouble or make things weird.

Maybe that means I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. ... I don't know. ... I think that sometimes my head gets so filled up with information, it might burst. ... There's a lot I take in ... but what comes out is only the things I know will come across right ... but if I'm in a room full of people I've never met, I don't know them. They don't know me. ... Because of this, they can't really understand everything I say yet. So I sit and observe beforeI know they will understand me perfectly. Because, like I was saying before with languages, it's about what I've grown up around. ... Someone who has been around me my whole life can understand me better than someone I've only been around for a couple weeks. ... That's why you should always get to really, really know a person before you can ever completely be with them for the rest of their life. ... You have to really know what they feel and how they think. You don't want to know the fake part of them. ... The facade they put on in front of everyone to make them seem like a different person.

I don't always understand that. ... There are so many different kinds of people ... People do what they think ... or what they have been told ... is the "right" thing to do ... the "accepted" thing to do ... why don't people just do what they believe in or what THEY think THEY should do ... not what their friends think they should do ... or their parents ... Us being unique is what makes this world as crazy as it is. ... Sometimes, what we do can turn out to be amazing, and other times, it's insane and fails ... but sometimes, it's insane and amazing ... but everyone has a place in that.

Anyway, I'm guilty of it too! I'm not taking myself out of the equation here!!! There is a degree where I have to stop myself and say what am I doing? This isn't me! I transform for other people. ... I do it with guys mostly ... I make them think I'm someone I'm not. ... But it's just like going up to someone and making up a story about yourself and telling them the wrong name. ... That's pretty much what you're doing when you're not yourself around someone. ... And if you really fall for them, then you have to go back and tell them that the person they thought they knew is someone they never knew all along.

We think it's worse if someone is like "well, hello, my name is Kristine {when really it's Diane} and I'm from New York City {When really, she's from Papillion, Nebraska} and I think you ... and your friend ... are gorgeous ;) {when really, she just wants you to buy her a drink and she thinks you and your friend are both hidious, but might be gay, and are trying to pick up chicks to make it look like you're straight ... so there's no way you would ever want to go home with her so it's a win, win}" But really, it's just the same. Just on a little bit of a deeper level.

And I didn't mean that was the way all girls thought. ... Because there are times, when I walk into a club, I look around and think "Now let's see how many hot men I can get to fall for me tonight and let's see how many numbers I can get ..." ... But I hardly ever actually call the numbers. ... It's just a little bit of a confidence boost. ... It's all the game ... And what the game is about.

I read somewhere that that was one reason why people in relationships cheat ... For the confidence boost ... Just to see if you can "still get that" ... ya know? ... It's just some people take it too far. ... And actually do ... and that's when all the drama happens ... because people can't control themselves ... and go all the way ...

But sometimes, I think about it ... and yes, you can fall for someone, you can fall in love ... but really, some people aren't made for it. ... They don't think like that. ... Because you can fall in love with other things too. Like when people say "he was in love with his work" or "she was married to her job" ... it's just that that's what their interest lied in. ... The thing is ... it might sound funny ... but we fall in love all the time for a short time. ... then we move on to the next thing we're thinking about. ... Like right now ... whatever I'm thinking about... I'm in love with. ... I have to find out everything about it. ... I have to really analyze it and research it ... I have to know EVERYTHING about it ... and I never get sick of talking about it. When I hear about it, my heart skips a beat ... "Oh wow ... I know about that! I want to talk about it!!! Let me in on the conversation." ... but that could change ... it could change next year. It could change next month. It could change tomorrow. It could change in the next 3 seconds, but right now, I'm falling for whatever is on my mind. ...

That's how it feels sometimes. The more time you spend with something the more attached to it you become. ... The more your life depends on it, literally. ... Even down to the kind of soap you use, or the bunny rabbit that you've slept with since you were 2. Some people fall in love with things more easily than others. ... For me, I love new and exciting things that I've never seen before. Like my brand new sparkly fuchsia and black bag ... I love it ... or my new tights from Hot Topic with the little pink bows on them ... So adorable ... and I've never really seen them before anywhere else. ... BUT ... when it comes to things like face wash ... and shampoo ... and razors ... I hate changing things like that ... because I know what works for me and I'm scared that something new might mess up my routine ... or have diverse reactions on me ... you know ... so I'm kind of ... in love with that product ... after all I've been trough with it ... so it really depends on the situation.